Join Alt.com - largest BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Personals!
This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2001
Please pardon me as I proceed to make some grossly over-generalized statements:
When women write personal ads, they often make the mistake of being vague about their looks and sexual bent. Heterosexual males *aren't* looking for ~a person~ when they look for ~a sex partner~: they are looking for a female. They are already surrounded by "persons" who are uninteresting to them, sexually. They usually already have a best friend, and a mother, so they don't need a girlfriend to be either one of those. If a guy is looking at ads for a girlfriend, then he wants to know what kind of girlfriend you might become. Are you a lady or a slut? Inquiring men want to know. Do you look nice and act nice? Are you going to be fun to do things with? Are you a tiger or a kitten in the dungeon? How about in bed? That's what men want to know, and I don't blame them. In fact, I think they have a right to know.
I say, "Humor them, gals". When a woman writes an ad to attract a man, she has to say what she looks like. Sorry girls, but it matters. Be blunt, and give concrete details. And also tip your hand about what turns you on. For example:
"I'm 4'9", plump, but shapely. I'm told I look cute in tight ropes."
I'm 5'10" and fit. I'm 6'2 in high heel boots. I'll look ten feet tall, because you'll be kneeling."
"I'm 5'7" and matronly. I have 42" bust, with prominent nipples that seem always erect."
"I'm a freckle-faced big schoolgirl with long, wavy, bright red hair, and a round, fat, spankable butt."
Draw attention to the things that you want him to care about. If you aren't interested in something it's a waste of time to mention it. The point is to get a man _who likes what you like_ to answer your ad. Men are looking for what you have, not for what you don't have. If you don't have significant breast issues (for example), don't mention it, and the breast men will ignore your ad. If, on the other hand...
"I have little breasts that are ridiculously small. They deserve to be tortured and mocked"
That's a whole 'nother thing altogether!
So tell the truth, but be succinct. You don't write an ad to scare men off, you write an ad to attract them. The elimination process comes later.
For guys who are after women, it's a very different game. In the game of love, it's a balancing act between making yourself seem manly (and therefore nothing like her girlfriends), and doing what you can to bridge the gender gap, so that you don't seem so alien that you become repulsive. Look, she already has girlfriends: she doesn't need someone who's just one of the girls. Obviously she wants what only a man can give her, which is why she's looking at men's ads. But just because she wants a man doesn't mean she'll take *any* willing man. Why should she prefer to be with you? Answer that question in your ad.
To be perfectly frank, gentlemen, it's best if you don't mention your dick. She knows you are a man and she is going to assume you have a dick. We know what you men like, we know what you are after, so please, don't mention it. It honestly does go without saying.
ALT.COM asks for you to divulge such information. That's OK. Go ahead and fill in the blanks. But if you write an ad from scratch, skip it.
For contrast, Gay men who are writing ads to attract other men pretty much must mention their dick, because TO MEN dicks are frightfully important. Men who are after women should always remember that to women, dicks are not frightfully important. Sure, we want one, or else we'd be looking for other women, right? Really, that should just go without saying.
Don't expect her to beg for it until at least the third date. That's just how women are. Get used to it.
Guys have a narrow path to walk when it comes to women. Men commonly find it very frustrating to get sucked into women's weird c'mere/go-away game.
Women do this weird thing to guys, that men often find very hard to fathom: She'll act all "C'Mere, you great big steaming hot hunk of man, you!", and the guy'll get all excited and come running, but then she gets scared, so she'll say, "Ahhh! Not so fast! Go back! I didn't mean it like that!" and she'll send him away again. Then she'll say, "OK, I'm ready this time. C'Mere! I really mean it this time!", and he'll come running, full of hope, and she'll suddenly say, "Ahhhhh! No, wait!" and send him away again.
What is UP with this!? It's like a big game of "Mother-May-I?"!
"Mother, may I come closer?" :::flirt, flirt:::
"Yes, you may... take 3 giant steps forward." :::flirt, flirt:::
Here's where guys commonly make their first mistake. They take four giant steps forward, instead of three, thinking "If she'll give me three steps, she won't mind if I take one more." Except that they are wrong. The gals do mind, which is why they say, "Ahhhh! No so fast!" and sends them back away.
What is mysterious about this, guys? What don't you get about this?
Gals: you have to remember that the first move should always be in baby steps, first of all, and second, men commonly will tend to try to take an extra step or two (or three) if you let them, so take that into consideration when granting permissions. If you don't catch it and call them on it, they won't respect you. If they don't respect you, then you might as well just hand over your panties and surrender, because you have already lost. It's hard enough to find a man who respects you in the first place. Getting respect back after you have lost it is very difficult.
Anyway, the way for a man to be attractive to a woman is for him to convince a woman that he respects women, and he respects the rules of their game. See how simple it really is? It's a game, it has rules, and you have to play the game by the rules.
Who makes the rules? That depends on who's running the game. When the men are running the game, women have sex on the first date. That's how you know who's running the game. ;) I strongly advise all women to take control of the game, even if you are submissive, because it's the woman's game. It was invented by women, for women.
Guys, if you really like women, you will let them run the game. It doesn't matter if you are top or bottom. Women need to set their own pace to be happy in a sexual relationship.
Guys who are always single and who rarely can find a date are in that state for a reason: they don't know how to make themselves attractive to women and they don't know how to play the game. That's it in a nutshell.
It's not a matter of looks. I have seen many extremely ugly men who knew how to work the game, and they always have a date. It's not a matter of money. I have seen men with no money at all who were always supported by their girlfriends, who swung from woman to woman like Tarzan from vine to vine, and they sometimes are playing more than one at the same time. You too can be such a dog.
Women are always complaining that they don't get enough action from men. It's not like there is no available pussy, guys. There's plenty of available pussy. You're just not getting any. Meanwhile, ugly married guys with tiny dicks and no money are juggling six girlfriends and taking ~your share~. What do they got that you don't got? NUTHIN! Get in in the pit and fight for your right to get laid, damn it!
You don't have to be very experienced, with a fat resume. How newbies can be charming: frankly admit straight out that you are clueless, and say you are willing to learn. That's just delightful: a little humility. It will make you seem as wise as Socrates.
You see, us women know you guys don't know what the fuck you are doing when it comes to us, but to meet a man who admits it is a real treat! ;)
Let me make one thing clear: A dominant must show some self-confidence. Submissives are not usually turned on by wishy-washy tops. It's not a mistake for a Dom male to speak well of himself, to show high self-esteem, etc. If I would re-write some Dom men's ads it would be only to tone it down a bit, because if there is too much emphasis on how fine a fellow you are and on how high your standards are, it might intimidate potential slave girls, making a gal feel too much pressure.
In general, if you haven't even met a person yet, then your relationship is less than new. Take it easy. Always take it very easy in the beginning and keep it light. Ideally you exchange one or two emails, and by then you should be ready to talk on the phone. Talk on the phone once or twice, and then you should be ready to arrange a *lunch date* that is most emphatically not going to become a sex date. After lunch, maybe take a walk together, then you *stop* and both go to your separate corners and cool off. Wait one whole day before reestablishing contact. Then you arrange a dinner date. Don't have sex. Don't even THINK about having sex of any kind until at least the third date. I'm serious.
Don't just go by yourselves somewhere on your second date. Go where people are, and interact with them, too. Don't go on a private date until the third date (if you get that far). The whole 3-date period is courtship. The whole third date should be seductive. Don't have sex on the third date unless you honestly feel seduced into it. Don't push. If it's gonna happen, it'll happen.
Ladies: If a guy wants a little action by the third date, be a good sport. He's been patient. Three dates is a long time for a guy to wait. You don't have to have intercourse, but at least show him your tits or your ass and jerk him off or *something*. That's really not too much to ask.
Guys, if it's the first time you two are getting sexual, don't push. Let her do her thing, and be happy with it. Don't expect the whole three-ring circus. Take it easy. Just have a little fun, and be grateful. In brief, be cool. Jerk off before the date if you think you might have a problem staying cool.
Some women love to be bowled over by a passionate man. If she's that type of gal, you guys should have talked about it before now. Don't assume. If you think you are getting those kind of signals but you are not sure, ask.
If you don't feel like *it* by the end of the third date, give up! It's over! If desire hasn't happened by then, it ain't gonna. You don't have to have sex on the third date, but you'd better at least want to, or you are in trouble. If there is no magic by then, then there probably never is going to be. Cut your losses, and move on gracefully. And try to be philosophical about it. There are other fish in the sea, and tomorrow is another day.
If you've known someone for years before you started dating, that doesn't count. Only when you start formally dating does the time count. A date is not a date unless it's a *date* date.
Meeting at a ULC meeting doesn't count at a date, even if you tie each other up at the time. ULC meetings create a world that is apart from the rest of the world for a while, that world has its own set of rules. But that's a whole 'nother topic.
Join Alt.com - largest BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Personals!
This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2001