Join Alt.com - largest BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Personals!
This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2002
LAURA: "This may sound corny, but I felt called to it. I have an active spiritual life, and through atonement and prayer I felt myself being led by a divine hand to be of service in this way."
SS: You have received a number of awards and recognition. Which are the ones that mean the most to you, and why?
L: "I believe I was most pleased with my Pantheon award, because a woman who had been horrible to me was up for the same award that year, and it was a fine 'in your face!' to the likes of her. That, I feel, was the work of the divine hand again."
SS: You are an avid BDSM columnist. Have you considered publishing your columns?
L: "Oh, I have been published many times, but I derive more satisfaction from publishing myself on the Internet. It's much faster, I get a bigger audience, and I don't have to deal with editors, some of whom are absolute butchers."
SS: ULC has been under the same leadership without crisis for your entire history. Considering the normal strife of any organization, and the fact that BDSM groups seem to really groove on power politicking, to what do you ascribe this success?
L: "I've noticed that many club problems arise not out of love of power, but out of a desire to control the money, so I charge no membership fee. If there is no money sitting around in a bank account, then people can't play 'Capture the Flag' with it, and have to find happier games.
My people are happy with my leadership. I meet my member's most basic needs, and I'm dependable about it. If they have a complaint they know they can simply talk to me, and I get few complaints. What complaints I do get, I deal with promptly."
SS: You say that most people at your play parties don't have intercourse because people are "not that exhibitionistic." I tend to think of the entire play party experience as one big theatrical exhibition. How do you differentiate between sexual exhibitionism and BDSM exhibitionism?
L: "I don't. They are the same thing. I've learned that the people who enjoy playing in a public environment do not represent the true majority in the BDSM world. My experience has taught me that the majority of BDSM people prefer to play and have sex privately, because to them, sex - and anything relating to it - is a private matter. You won't see those people in huge numbers at the public events. They're very secretive, but nonetheless dedicated.
"As for why some people can play publicly but not have sex publicly, it's for the same reason they are OK about going skinny-dipping with friends as opposed to having sex while your friends watch. It's a matter of degree. Many people could do the first one but never the other. In fact, people who can do one but not the latter I believe are the norm."
SS: You write, "BDSM relationships are *sexual* relationships. Even if you never fuck, the whole point of a BDSM relationship is kinky eroticism. People who say otherwise really *worry* me. I mean, sadomasochism by definition is sexual. If you take the sex out, it's not really s/m anymore." You have probably received some criticisms about this statement. What's your response to the school of thought that BDSM in its pure form is not about sex, but only about the power exchange? Why do you think there is so much focus on the non-sexual aspect of BDSM?
L: "Well, people who say that BDSM is not about sex are simply unclear on the concept. Sadomasochism by definition is an erotic paraphilia. Some sadomasochists don't need intercourse or whatever to have orgasm, but that's because they have substituted something else.
"There are some showboats who are so into far-out pain-play or whatever that they set the sex aside completely, but they are not better or purer in any way than the rest of us are, they just like to think that they are. I feel that saying that 'Pure BDSM is not about sex' is just a fancy new way to say that sex is dirty, that sex dirties BDSM, which I don't happen to agree about."
SS: You state, "Vanillas are not going to support us in a fight to legalize pro domination, or the right to drag each other around on leashes in front of their kids. Make your peace with that fact. "What is your approach to educating the general public about what we do? What do you see as the optimal considering the limitations?
L: "I know for certain that vanillas can and do support our rights to privacy, and to consent to BDSM, but they are very turned off by the details. The less they know about what we are doing, the better. If I were an opponent of the movement, I would use the dirty details as a weapon to stir up repugnance in public feeling. Vanillas don't like what we do: that's what makes them vanilla. They have to be told only what they need to know so they know what BDSM is. We have to emphasize that people consent to these things knowingly, because they think it makes for a fine personal adventure. We have to emphasize that BDSM is in essence an erotic sport and therefore a private matter. Us tying each other up isn't what bothers them: THAT they understand. What they don't understand is the more extreme forms such as bloodletting games. We can't expect that they'll ever really understand that stuff. Even some of our own people don't understand it.
"If you rent a mistress by the hour that to them is prostitution. That's good. Let them think that way. We don't want them thinking that they are not right when they are. Let's be honest with ourselves and with the public about pros for hire. Sex *is* going on in those sessions. BDSM is sexual.
"It's very wrongheaded for people in the BDSM community to keep trying to foist obvious falsehoods on the public. If we want their friendship, we have to be a friend to them, and be honest. Friends don't lie to each other. Vanillas can handle the truth, but if they discover we haven't been honest they will turn on us.
"Renting yourself out by the hour to whip people is a form of sex work. No more bullshit, please. Sex work in all its forms should be decriminalized, but that issue should be a separate issue from BDSM rights. Hiring a pro is not the same as one spouse spanking another as a prelude to sex. It's just not."
SS: It's very common for novices to get into that "submissive frenzy" thing and confuse casual play with intimacy. Considering how the casual atmosphere of instant partners and play parties encourages non-intimate relationships, how would you advise people to find intimate BDSM relationships?
L: "An intimate relationship has to be built up brick-by-brick. The frenzy you speak of is a normal, human thing. Under the right circumstances, if all goes well, it will happen very quickly. It's a beautiful thing, but it is not true intimacy. Intimacy happens over time, through shared experience and trial. The problem is people use the word intimacy as a euphemism for sex. If people would simply appreciate sex for what it is, and call it what it is, we'd be less likely to see such confusions. I would like to see people honoring sex more, and then they would feel less need to pretend it's something it's not. To feel caught up in a sexual frenzy is divine. There used to be whole religions built around that. I would like to see a resurgence of ecstasy religions, and in fact I think BDSM people are poised to lead such a resurgence. Wouldn't that be grand!?"
SS: In one of your columns you write, "If you are looking for love don't go whole hog on the first fringing date. Don't buy expensive gifts or go renting motel rooms before you even know each other." But of course you probably know, since you had to say this in the first place, that this happens all the time - often followed by disappointment. How can novices keep their heads?
L: "By listening to their heads instead of their genitals."
SS: You commented that, "Sex in a young relationship is like trying to climb a sapling...it's too easy, it won't get you very high, and it could ruin things for the future." Geeze Laura, you're sounding like a real old fashioned girl! Do you find that these kinds of ideas, which incidentally I agree with, set you off somewhat in a community that seems to value hedonism?
L: "Well, it's true I seem like an oddball when compared with the 600 people who regularly turn up at the big BDSM conventions, but those people are unusual. When I'm compared with BDSM people at large who are 'out there' playing in their bedrooms and basements all across our nation; I'm in real good company. Compared to many of them, I'm pretty progressive. There are many BDSM people who honestly believe that this stuff should only occur between (heterosexual) husband and wife. Many of them are not only homophobic, but they don't even think single heterosexuals should be horsing around in this manner. To them pro dominants are just fancy whores in fancy underwear with fancy tricks. And big BDSM play parties are out of the question: Sodom and Gomorrah. The punks taking over.
"People like Janet Hardy and John Warren seem to think that all BDSM people who matter live on the cutting edge of all social movements. They are wrong. They address their books to people who represent a tiny and very progressive faction. Most BDSM practitioners do not in fact agree that Gays should have rights and that Prostitution should be legal. Many BDSM people have been left out of the movement, and their needs aren't being addressed, basically because they fail these political litmus tests. Nevertheless, they are our people, and they have to be taken care of somehow, or else we aren't really serving the entire BDSM community."
SS: You write, "Some people very perversely don't just go away after they scene/have sex with you." I have certainly experienced this myself, as well as heard the sad stories of my compatriots. Do you believe that this happens because we played with the person too early?
L: "Basically, yes."
SS: Please tell me about your own BDSM practice and how it has changed over time.
L: "I started out being rather brutal, and I also felt, in the beginning, a big need to show off. I have mellowed."
SS: Has your being such an activist also affected what you do in your private life?
L: "I divorced one husband and married another because of it. Because I became a public activist I had to tell my children more than the average BDSM parent would. Also, one of my brothers cut me out of his life over it. That was a heartbreaker."
SS: You state that "we believe that bondage and discipline, fantasy role-play, sensual sadomasochism, erotic "torture" etc. Can be a satisfying part of a well-balanced life. "How do you feel that the lifestyle complements and adds to your personal life?
L: "Well, I think of it more as something that detracts from your life quite severely if you don't satisfy the need. If you satisfy your need it's no big deal, but if you don't, it just eats at you from within. I think it's much healthier for leatherfolk to get their needs met. That's how it becomes a positive part of a healthy life."
SS: I suspect that considering your very public role (not to mention being something of a hottie), you have submissives hitting on you right and left.
L: "No, that's not true. I have as much trouble in finding a new partner as anybody else does."
SS: What do you look for in a submissive?
L: "Someone decent who turns me on, and who likes my jokes."
SS: How would you characterize your philosophical approach to the lifestyle?
L: "Enjoy yourself and stay out of trouble."
SS: Where would you like to be in your BDSM life in five years?
L: "Where I am now is good. I love my slave husband and I have lots of adorable friends. If I can just maintain this I'll be content."
SS: I am very interested in the spirituality of BDSM and am exploring that. Could you please expand on how you integrate this into your lifestyle? Can you suggest any resources for more information?
L: "Spirituality is much more than an interest to me. It's my entire motivation. It's where I am coming from. I integrate every thing else in my life into my spirituality. I feel myself to be Goddess-led. Her hand is upon my heart at all times. I do not integrate my spirituality into my life: my spirituality is my life.
"I was led to study the roots of sexual oppression, to better understand how leatherfolk got into our current predicament. I found out that the history of sexual oppression is a very long one. The demonization of the Goddess and the denigration of woman began thousands of years ago, when patriarchal forces overthrew the old matriarchies. The attitude that sex is dirty began then. Patriarchies depend on knowing who the father is, so woman's sexual freedoms under the patriarchies were severely curtailed. People who didn't toe the line were severely punished, as they still are in many ways even today.
"That is where the double-standard began. Men under the patriarchies always enjoyed more freedoms than the women did. This is where the attitude that penetration = dominance came from, and this attitude still is amazingly prevalent. For example, many BDSM people believe that it's inappropriate for a dominant of either sex to enjoy being penetrated.
"That is where the attitude that sexual freedom is bad began. Women and men enjoyed much sexual freedom under matriarchal rule, but the Patriarchies stopped all of that, mainly to control women (to know who the father was). Even today, many people think that sex is bad, and that sexier sex (example: BDSM) is worse.
"To undo the damage done, we have to heal our relationship with nature, and that means to reclaim the divinity of womanhood and the dignity of sex. Men and women have to learn to accept, honor, and love our own sexual selves, and we have to accept, honor, and love each other.
"Just being into BDSM doesn't do this automatically. As has been seen, there are strong sexist and puritanical forces even within the BDSM community. I see the 'BDSM is not necessarily sexual' attitude as a manifestation of the same toxic Puritanism that has tainted vanilla sex relations.
"I believe the patriarchal way of doing things has run its course. Our problem now is to find a new way of living that is more healthful, practical, and just. We can't go back to the matriarchal way of doing things: we have to move forward. That's what the Goddess has me working on now. What She wants *you* to be working on is between you and Her.
"If you want to learn more about the divine in your life, the best source for information and inspiration is your own heart. Let the divine guide your hand and heart, and you will be led to the books, the relationships, and the other resources that are perfect for you."
SS: What hopes do you have for the community at large?
L: "That it will continue to become more of a true international nation - without boundaries and without limits."
SS: It's no secret that you have a little crush thingy on Captain Kirk of the original Star Trek series. So as not to have this interview be incomplete, would you care to expand on this? Any particular shows that had a nice BDSM theme that you'd like to share with our readers?
L: "The best way for me to answer that question is to invite people to my Silly Star Trek Obsession web site:
http://allyourtrekarebelongto.us
SS: Just a side note that you "hand-code" your website. With so many designers using WYSIWYG web design software, what do you feel that personal coded touch has added to your website? Would you care to step on the soapbox and educate those of us who are ignorant on the beauties of hand coding?
L: "HTML is not difficult to learn, and coding your own produces leaner, cleaner code. The web pages load faster and you have more precise control over the appearance and layout of your site. I admire the fancy-looking web sites as much as anybody, but they are big bandwidth hogs. Many people still access the net at 56K, and you have to be concerned about the quality of their experience when they visit your site.
'What You See Is What You Get' editors are misnamed. You _don't see_ a lot of what you get, including bloated, unnecessarily convoluted code. Plus, you end up with a web site that is not distinctive looking. A web site that is made with a cookie-cutter template lacks soul. It's like the difference between polyester pants and blue jeans. I never was satisfied to keep my car clean and shiny. I always have to tinker under the hood. That's why I built my own computer, too. I gave birth to my kids at home, too. I'm a real do-it-yourselfer. I like to know what make things work, so I can play with making it work better."
SS: Thank you very much!
If you enjoyed this interview, read more SCENEprofiles with BDSM personalities on Sadie's website at Sadie's Site.
Join Alt.com - largest BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Personals!
This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2002