How Nice Guys Can Stop Finishing Last

by Laura Goodwin

Please pardon me for bringing up what is for many a painful topic, but we do have to recognize the gender gap and the problems it causes us if we are going to deal effectively with it. Not talking about gender differences and how they wreak havoc with femdom relationships doesn't make the problems go away. It's time to grab the bull by the tail and face the situation. I'm going to say some harsh things in a harsh way, but there's no nice way to say some things.

There is a popular misconception that dominant women are the ones who are going to take care of everything and sub guys only have to do what they are told. No.

I frequently catch vanilla guys making snide remarks like: "assholes get all the girls". This is a way of saying nice guys finish last, but saying it in a way that makes it look like it's the women's fault - like we have bad taste in men, or something. BDSM men also sometimes fall prey to this muddle.

Here's the straight story. When nice guys finish last, it's not because they are nice, but in spite of it. Being nice is no help if you...

• ...Are too nice to raise your voice and take a stand. Never having anything to say and never taking sides is a great way to be invisible, but it's not a great way to get noticed and appreciated.
• ...Are too nice to impose yourself on a woman's attention. Never telling her you like her, never asking her out, is not exactly going to send her the message that you think she's special.
• ...Don't believe in being phony, like dressing up just to look handsome. Many "nice guys" honestly believe that Ms. Right will love them even when they show her no special respect. Look, acting as if she's no big deal will NOT impress her favorably.
• ...Do not hunt for her. Too bad if getting up and going out for the express purpose of meeting likely women is repellent to you. Think about how unlikely it is that she will come hunting for you...especially if she doesn't know where you are or why she should bother.
• ...Do not compete for her. If you back off the second any other male shows active interest in the woman, then you are basically ~letting the asshole win~. If a woman looks around, and the only guy that shows any sustained interest in her is the asshole, then what choice have you given her?

Try giving the women a chance to get to know you. Don't give up on yourself, and _don't simply "be yourself"_, either. You already tried being yourself, and it didn't work! Be better than yourself. The whole drama is bigger than little old you. Dress up, get your dick up, and hone your horns to confront and best other bulls in the battle for survival.

Get up, go out, and get busy, damn it, or you'll deserve to be warming the bench with your dick in your hand.

Women expect and need men to act like men. That doesn't mean to be domineering, obviously, especially not if you are after a dominant dame. What it means is don't be a delicate blossom, a wimpy little shrinking violet. Women do not get wet for wallflowers. We need to feel wanted, we want to know you desire us.

Want to know how to be attractive to women? Give women something they want. Women *love* nice guys! Women *need* nice guys, like _heroes_, and _healers_. So, pick one: hero or healer, and be that with all your heart as if your whole life depends upon it. Otherwise, pal, you ain't gettin' any, and even the angels won't weep for you.

Guys, don't be namby-pamby about it. Give that gal you admire a flat-out compliment on a regular basis. Not just the way she's dressed. Lots of women would rather be noticed for the special things that they say and do.

Examples:

• "It's always great to see you here: your wonderful smile brightens up the whole room."
• "You always have the most interesting thing to say."

Point it out if you have (non-sexual) things in common with your charmer. If things go well, it gives you an excuse to suggest doing it together.

"You like to go thrift-shopping!? I do that every weekend. I know a great obscure shop, let me take you this Saturday. We can get lunch while we are out." NOTE: say "Saturday", not "someday". Be specific. You are trying to convince the star of your heart to commit to some concrete plans with you. If she says, "I can't go Saturday" that is not a brush-off. Ask her ~when~ is a good day. If she can't think of a good day, if no day is a good day, *that* is a brush-off. Then you would say, "OK, well, maybe we'll see each other in Salvation Army someday." and let it go at that. That doesn't mean you have no chance at all, it means she's not receptive yet. Give her a chance to get to know you, and ask her again some other time if she seems to be softening up.

The problem with most guys is that they give up too easily. They forget that women don't have testosterone prodding us from behind like a pushy demon from Hell. Women usually need coaxing. Why doesn't everybody just know and accept that?

Gentlemen: you don't have to act like an extrovert if you are not one, but you do have to force yourself to bust a move once in a while. More than usual, I mean. You have to keep pushing your own limits. Extend yourself out of your own comfort zone now and then. Remember: no pain, no gain.

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