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This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 -2001
"It's a fine thing to rise above pride, but you must have pride in order to do so."
(Georges Bernanos)
Leatherfolk, like other oppressed populations, have the unfortunate tendency to do their enemy's work for them after-hours. Too many of us privately condemn ourselves in our private thoughts, instead of keeping our thoughts a haven of self-love. It's now commonly acknowledged that the thoughts you entertain can have a huge effect on your physical and mental health, so why don't more of us use this knowledge for our own good?
Mental health is different things to different people. We have each had our share of heartbreaks, and there are obstacles to our particular happiness everywhere; it's not remarkable that many of us get tired of the struggle and just feel discouraged. It's called having the blues, and for us it is normal. For us, a certain degree of paranoia has proven to be adaptive. Anxiety, a free-floating sense of impending doom, is abnormal if you have no good reason for it, but we do. One word: Spanner. We can consent to killing ourselves on the football field, but not to a bit of fun in the basement dungeon? Is it any wonder so many of us are angry? Let me tell you something I know for certain: anger is a healthy and appropriate emotion at times, that needs only an appropriate outlet.
The problem is too many of us turn our negative emotions against ourselves, and each other. It's so common that it's completely banal. I think we are smarter than that. It's time to "grab the bull by the tail and face the situation"! Recognize that self-love and pride in oneself are more than nice to have, they are necessary for survival. Setbacks are inevitable: you can't win them all. When things go against you, when all you can count on is you, you'll be glad if you did your homework and are mentally prepared to prevail against the odds.
Arrogance and excessive humility are both signs that the ego is out of balance. What we want is a solid sense of self-assurance. How to achieve this desirable state of mind? There are many practical methods available, one of which is right for you.
Affirmations: Those of you who already rely on them can't skip this. There is an art to using affirmations, and it must be done right to reap the benefit. The wording must be simple and the statement must be believable. For example: "I am a worthwhile person." , or "This is my life, and it's a good life.", are much better than, "Hooray for the millions of dollars I'm going to win in the lottery".
Comforting rituals: Everybody relies on things like hot baths, good books, or horsing around with the cat, dog, or kid to help them to feel better. These are great. Not-so-great are rituals which create new problems of their own, for example, seeing how fast you can get to the bottom of a bottle of Johnny Walker Red. As above, it pays to be very picky about which rituals you are in the habit of comforting yourself with. Choose activities that leave you feeling refreshed and restored. Get a massage.
Pressure valves: Find wholesome outlets for your aggressive and competitive instincts, and if you feel particularly shaky, choose ones that are childishly easy for you. Why must everything in life be a desperate struggle with an unknowable outcome? Satisfy your lust for domination and humiliation against a puff-ball opponent now and then, to remind yourself of what you are good at! Get some tensions out where it isn't a matter of life and death, but a silly wager for ice cream, for example.
Celebrations: Since our enemies never tire of trying to make us feel like losers, it behooves us to be tireless in our efforts to feel like winners, if for no other reason than to spite them. We have to celebrate our victories great and small, reminding ourselves often that we do good stuff, have good luck, achieve our goals, and are perfectly delightful creatures. If a person speaks well of her or himself, it should not be interpreted as anything but a celebration of one more worthwhile life. From now on if one of us says, "Damn, I'm good!" it should be generally understood that the proper response is, "Good for you!", not "Who do you think you are?". The idea is to bolster and support each other, not to do the enemy's work for them by insulting and undermining each other.
We have to honor each other, acknowledging each other's contributions great and small. We also have to have fun, genuine fun, not the drudgery that passes for fun at many conventions. Work, work, work! I think the next big Leather convention should have a workshop on mud-pie making. Silly, useless, childish things can lead to healing hilarity, and hilarity, characterized by fits of giggles leading to belly laughs and very undignified behavior is just what's needed around here. Too much dignity or too little are both dangerous. Health is found and maintained by finding and keeping to that sweet spot of balance in the middle. Like learning to ride a bicycle, once you have got it, you've got it for life. Once you feel inwardly balanced, you'll want to really go places, and you'll not only do better once you get where you are going, but you'll enjoy the journey more as well.
Join Alt.com - largest BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Personals!
This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 -2001