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This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2001
"I feel like this must be a really stupid question, but is it my imagination, or is out-and-out (or perhaps out-and-in) sex generally NOT included in scene play?"
BDSM people actually do include the sex, more often than not, when it's a private situation. You won't get sex (*officially* wink, wink) in a pro domination session, because they are trying to stay quasi-legal. You won't see people having intercourse, etc. at most public play parties, again for legal reasons, usually, or just because people don't like to get quite that intimate in a public place. At some private parties you may get some actual sex going on. We've been known to "go all the way" on rare occasions at my private parties, but that again depends on many variables.
You won't see a lot of sex in newer USA BDSM films because of legal restrictions. Stupid. Some older, and some European BDSM films get very raunchy, showing everything.
BDSM relationships are sexual relationships. By definition, sadomasochism is an erotic paraphilia. Even if you never fuck, the whole point of a BDSM relationship is kinky eroticism. People who say otherwise really worry me. Sadomasochism is sexual. If you take the sex out, it's not really S/M anymore.
I know it's kind of fashionable to rhapsodize about the meta-erotic, metaphysical marvels of BDSM, and lots of people swear that they can enjoy non-sexual BDSM, and some even claim to prefer it that way. Oh, Lord. What can I say? I'm not saying that's not true, but presenting that view as typical or as an ideal, I think, is misguided. It seems to spring from the same anti-sex attitude that is the root of our oppressive social condition. I really wish people would rethink that "BDSM is OK without sex" stuff. I mean, life is "OK" without sex, but without sex, OK is the best it can ever be. We should be working on reclaiming our sexual rights, and our sense of erotic entitlement. I don't know about you guys, but I see nothing wrong with shooting for better than just OK.
It sometimes seems to me that our people don't realize that they have a right to be fully sexual creatures. I tell ya, that worries me.
"i realize that i can't know what other peoples' experiences are. and there are people who may get something else out of S/M than sexual gratification. i know i get gratification other than sexual from bdsm as well...but for me it is primarily sexual. and too, there are gay people who play with straight people and there is no sex involved there....so perhaps it really *isn't* about sex for everyone?"
Somebody had to say that, so thanks for getting it out of the way. ;)
My opinion holds firm. Just because we can pansexually play, and just because we can enjoy non-orgasmic BDSM, doesn't change the fact that BDSM is about sex, specifically, kinky eroticism. It's about creating an erotic climate, celebrating our sexuality, and fleshing out our fantasies in numerous kinky ways, which is really what all that "non-sex" BDSM is, if you really think about it.
"Laura, what rules apply in your dungeon? I noticed condoms in a bowl..."
That's what I call a subtle hint! Safe sex is allowed at my parties, but people rarely choose to take it that far, because they'd rather have sex in private or in their own beds. Naked pussies and obvious hard-ons have been spotted in my dungeon, and penetration etc. is allowed. Many public playspaces will not allow naked tits and genitals, or won't allow penetration play, but mostly for legal reasons. Especially if they serve alcohol, there will be and must be strict restrictions.
Even if they did allow it, you probably wouldn't see a lot of sex going on, because most people aren't that exhibitionistic. A lot of sex is going on in private when nobody is watching. Sex is a private activity for most people.
I've noticed that Gay men tend to have more overt sexual activity at their gatherings. I've been to some lesbian parties that were pretty hot, but again you aren't mixing the sexes in that situation. Apparently the courtship process is streamlined when you are only dealing with one sex at a time. Heterosexuals have some serious negotiations to get through before most het women feel comfortable with public or semi-public sex. The many very vocal Gay activists who are out there speaking on behalf of all BDSM people should become more aware, and remember, that heterosexuals have their own sexual subculture and set of rules.
For heterosexuals the social courtesies that act as sexual speedbumps are necessary, and we're not going to give them up simply because certain people who don't understand the need for them think they are old-fashioned. Heterosexual women need certain specific special reassurances from heterosexual men that we play with, before we play, and everybody is just going to have to understand that, and accept it.
Heterosexual leatherfolk have unique social and psychosexual issues that don't really effect Gays the same way. I've noticed that in sex-segregated dungeons that the dynamics around sex are quite distinctive between the three groups: men-only, women-only, and heterosexual. Heterosexuals have to make their peace with their own unique subculture and its demands. Pansexual play is not the same thing.
Pansexual play is all-inclusive. Pansexual means everybody - all of the above - share one space and even play together in a spirit of leather fellowship. A Gay man who might play with women in a pansexual social setting is still going to prefer to have a male partner, and he will probably still enjoy himself most in an all-male dungeon - because BDSM is ultimately about sex. Ultimately, whatever turns you on sexually is what will make BDSM its most glorious for you. People settle for less-than-glorious to achieve other social goals now and then.
Yes, that's OK.
Obviously, heterosexuals are at their best with other hot BDSM hets milling around. It's even better if you break it down to femdom over here, maledom over there. Bisexuals and switches have unique needs too, but they do pretty well at regular pansexual functions. We all play together at United Leatherfolk of Connecticut parties, because ULC is a mixed, pansexual group, but it's important for our members to have special interest parties, too. If you are part of a femdom couple, for example, it's important to play with *only* other femdom people now and then. If you are part of the maledom scene, it's very good to play with only maledom people now and then. You really have to. Go ahead: it's all right.
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This essay and all site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2001